Ho'kay.

So went to White Water yesterday. I went with Emily and my newly acquired Tennessee friends who came down to visit Heather and Em. We run around and play in the slides, rafts and wave pools. The highlight of the day was when we were all on this 4 person raft (It was Em, Lavi, Allen, Kanda and I), I started screaming. Well, it wasn't *real*, I was fake screaming because of how unintense it was. Apparently, it was hilarious and I made Em pee herself.

Haha.

So today, we all go to Six Flags. It was Heather, Em, Lavi, Allen, Kanda, Dante and I. I rode the Mine Train, Some crappy kids coaster that turned out to be rather entertaining, Scream Machine, Ninja.....took a trip to Skull Island to cool off...went and got something to eat...

And then....THE GOLIATH.

Waiting in line wasn't so bad because the line wasn't ridiculous. They also have a great system where the line goes fast as hell. We only waited 30 mins. It didn't feel like it though.

It was Em, Lavi, Dante and I in line. Em starts having panic attacks because she remembers the last time she went on it. Her stomach was acting up and apparently the first drop is SO intense because its nearly 90 degrees straight down. I have dont Fearless Freeps (the bungee cord) and Acrophobia and Deja Vu, so I was confident that I could handle the drop. We all sit there trying to get her mind off of it because she didn't want to chicken out. We get up to the coaster and load onto it. Dante and I are freaking out excited and geeked up. Em starts tearing up and Lavi is just cool. We start the incline and then Dante and I exchange nervous looks. About halfway up, Dante turns to me and says" Dude, we are already higher up than Acrophobia D: D: D:" I look and HOLY COW we were. I started getting jittery and antsy. The whole time, Em is like "I can do this. I can do this." Halfway up it was "I can't do this. I can't do this". At the very top, she looked dead serious and said "I don't want to do this". At that point, Dante and I looked to each other, almost feeling regret at getting on. She looked super scared.

And then the Drop.

At first I was doing my retard scream to make Em feel better...but it then morphed into a God Honest HOLY  SHIT scream. I was crying bloody murder. Tears were welling up. But they were tears of EPIC AWESOME. That drop literally made my stomach fly to my throat. I just...kept screaming. If you know how I am with rides, I like to shout obsenities such as "I think I left my uterus back there" or "I just lost my virginity" or "Help me God! Help Me Allah! Help me Tom Cruise".

This time is was "HOLY SHIT" and "Great Salt Lake city Lakes!" and "First Inner Outer Last. That's Foil!" and "You can't divide by Zero! Dear GOD why can't you divide by Zero!".

Yes. This roller coaster is SO badass, that it makes you scream math phrases.

Needless to say, riding it beat making Em pee herself completely. It beat the entire weekend. Hands down.

Just sayin'.
 

At this moment...

...this VERY second...

...I am wearing a size 14 pair of pants.

Granted, I am squeezed in them, and they are a little too tight for comfort, but HOLY SHIT a size 14.

I feel extremely satisfied.

That is all.

Hahahaha.

I have horrible sunburns all over my body. It is especially bad on my arms. All of them. I also burned my back, legs, hands, and face. I blame it on Griffin. It's super sunny hot here. Plus, maybe riding in the back of a pickup truck for a couple hours from noon to 4pm helping people move and make errands could contribute.

In any case, I am better now. I am turning sort of blue from the aloe vera I am applying religiously. All I know is Tylonel saved my life last night. I believe I was about to go into a heat stroke of sorts. I was cold (when I say "cold", I mean freezing and shivering mixed with convulsions) and nauseous and tired and all those fun things. Drank some water, medicated myself and started with the Aloe. Oh gods, I am a million times better today (though I stil feel extra crispy). My face will peel, but everything else? I think it might either freckle or stay because it's not bubbling up at all. Probably going to go to the pool and soak when the sun goes down.

Other than that, just hanging and banging here. Steve and I have been talking about moving here to Griffin with Madi and Marv. We figure we'd LIKE to get a job up in Powder Springs for the time being, save up some money and get our own 1 bedroom apartment next to Marv's. We could totally pull a Kramer and just....show up randomly to their door. Plus this place has a nice workout gym and EVERYTHING within walking distance. No kidding. So maybe.

Either that or I try applying to everything while  I am down here, live in Marv's living room until Steve and I save up money and then get our own place. I don't want to do that because I don't want to be away from Steve (who else will bug him about getting jobulated?) and plus I still owe his mom some duckets.

So yeah.Gonna go do my rounds on the netz here...sitting in my bathing suit hoping to god I don't shift the wrong way.

Okay.

Haha. What's up?

-Moved out of the 'Rents place. Why? Because I remember why I hated living with them. I know they are good people deep down and they want what is best, etc. etc. But really? I prefer to work nights. I am nocturnal by nature. If I have a regular sleep schedual, I am a pissy person. Day time makes me angry (don't ask). So of course I am out late. They don't want me coming home late because I'd wake up the dogs, who would wake up Cindy, who would be angry. So I didn't come home if I worked. And I worked alot. Best route to take then is don't come home? I thought that, but then they started bitching at me for not being home. What else was I to do? I'm not a Ninja no matter how badass I am. And after Cindy called me a "Stinky Fish" (yeah, WTF?) I was out like shout.

-Living with Steve again. It's not all sunshine and puppies this time though. It's weird not being in a relationship with him BUT living with him in the same room. I mean, we are still...IDK bffs? But the whole "HAY let's sleep in the same bed everynight and NEITHER of us get any privacy really" thing is making me feel awkward. But hey, what else is a girl to do? Can't afford my own place, and his mom is cool about me being there. Well, lately not so much. His older sister is WAY pregnant...number 2 on the way and she is BITCHY pregnant. Steve's little 17 yr old brother plays loud Screamo music all night RIGHT next to her....and we hole ourselves in Steve's room, with the door shut, a fan on, and the TV volume on LOW and she completely flips on us. Word gets to mom and she flips on us. There is no dealing with Pregnant ladies. Ever. If I get that way, someone should punch me in the stomach because then I wouldn't deserve to have a kid.

-Planning more costumes for AWA. I cut my hair recently to be styled like Ishida's from Bleach because I want to do his Quincy outfit. That'll be so kickass you guys have no idea. But I agreed to be Urahara again for Em since I was going to be him in the first place. That and I don't want her to have to find another person to be him because Gods know she has found enough people to join our Entourage. We just need to redo some of the outfit to make it look asthetically better. We rushed through the final stages of it because other costumes still needed to be done for Momo-con.

-Looking for a job. If anyone knows of somewhere that is hiring that allows facial piercings, that would be most good.

-Going to a Nightwish concert tomorrow night with Greta. That should be a hoot. Apparently Selena and Bridgitte (probably REALLY misspelled that) from Border Pagans are going too so might make a group of it.

-Driving to Chicago with Justin on Friday and won't be back until the 25th. Feel free to blow up my cell phone with texts.

-Been feeling kind of "Eh" lately. Not in a bad way, just a way that makes me think. Everyone seems to want to hang out with everyone else. I know a lot of people are feeling this way lately, which is odd. Maybe it's spring? Who knows. But it seems that I'm just not one of those people who people think of as in "Oh, you need *this*? Talk to Lisa, she is good at it" or "I wonder what Lisa is doing. Let's ask her to hang out" or something. I know Greta shows up at Steve's and stuff, but most of the time I think it is Just to see Steve.

-Watching Family Matters at 6am. What the flying....

Anyways, that about wraps it up. Get at me, Dog.

Ho'kay gaiz, here is the new LJ:


viridianexile 

Friend me if you want to.

And so it goes...

You know, for a while I thought I was in a rut. Thought I wasn't going much of anywhere. Not just with schooling or job (or lack thereof), but in what I like. In what I *thought* I liked. Everything seemed so bland. So less colorful than when I was in highschool. Video games seemed routine, anime seemed dull and immature, music seemed to make my head hurt the more I listened to it, my friends seemed to get further away from me. Everything jumped on the shit train, and I didn't know if I could catch up to the ride.

Steve and Greta have been my world for a while now. Ever since I was 18 they have been the staple to my paper, keeping everything together and organized. But then I felt the paper started getting holes in it, started tearing at the ends, becomming wet and soggy with who knows what. I felt like the staple was rusting off and losing the papers. I am not saying this is because Steve and Greta suck as friends, oh no. Far from it. But more...there was some unknown, pissy god deciding to urinate on all my hopes and dreams. Yeah, more like that.

That was until a couple weekends ago I re-found some old friends that I thought I was "too good for" or miles away from. I have never been one to say I am *better* than anyone. We all have our good points and our bad points. Sometimes, at a certain point in our life, we see things one way, but as we grow, so does our mind and our perception on things.

I admit that for a while, I thought I was just too different from them. That all they cared about was certain things that I just couldn't come to recognize as things that I cared for just as deeply. So I strayed away from them. I got myself far away and didn't even know if I wanted to ever go back. I didn't care. If it happened, then it did. I wasn't going to push myself to try to even salvage anything.

But then I saw her at Publix, and it's like a wave of old hit me in the face. Everything clicked. Like, back to before I even left. Except this time, my mind is in a different place than what it once was. It has grown, and it has changed. In a good way, I'd like to think. So she invited me over to hang out. At first, I wasn't going to go. Like so many other times I was offered. I was just going to smile and nod and say I might. But something in me was off. I went to Steves and asked him if he wanted to go. Usually, I wouldn't even tell him. But this time I did. I thought that if he said no, I wouldn't go and that would be the end of it. But he said yes, so we went.

And I thank the gods that I did.

Heather and Emily were my everything in highschool. Heather was my very first friend when I moved down to Georgia. She helped me more or less into the person everyone loves today. Sure, her and I don't see eye to eye, but that's ok. She was there through all my boyfriends, after some fights, when I first got so drunk, I took a shower with my clothes on. Things I had forgotten through growing up. We have had times of uncontrollable laughter, and grandiose ideas of fame. Anything you can imagine, we have probably been through. If I hadn't met her, I would be an asshole. Straight up.

That weekend Steve and I went to visit them reopened the Lisa in me. Everything seems much more entertaining. Thoughts are flowing through my head again. Ideas, plans, and so forth.

Fangirling has been opened back up. Now, fangirling can be creepy, and gods know I was the creepiest in highschool for it. Carrying around a notebook full of pictures and informations on all my subjects of Glory...and constant babble on them. But you know? That was fun. It gave me something to think about. Something to daydream of. Something to focus all my raw retard into. It felt great. And now I am doing it again.  Well, I never stopped, but it was different. I felt, bad...for doing it. I don't now.

I'm forming cosplay ideas again. Something I had lost a passion for. And because of it, I actually WANT to work now. I WANT to get money. I WANT to. I'm making plans for conventions in advanced instead of just, showing up and whatever. I'm planning money for these things. Budgeting. I'm meeting new people because of it. I'm going out to parties, and places, and networking. I'm not scooped up at home or at Steves sleeping the day away, wishing I was doing something more social. I am now. I'm living. I'm doing things I enjoy because I can.

So far, I have 2 conventions planned. Momo-con and AWA. Both of them I have cosplay plans already working. All I need is the money.

And I HAVE A JOB NOW. Crazy, right? Been about a year now since my last real job. Funny, I am taking Greta's old one because she just got a lot of Awesome dumped on her which forces her to quit Papa Johns. So everything just seems to fall in place. Where my money is going to go, what I will be doing with myself. Opprotunities are just comming out of the woodwork now.

I can't wait. This costume will be so fun~ I'll be in a group filled with people with the same passion of Bleach as I do. (The Anime, tards). Not to mention I have always loved Kisuke Urahara.

Well, I don't know where I am going with this anymore. Here I am, at the library in school wasting time. Just thought I would share this tidbit with you. Or maybe just for me. To see in writing. Who knows? I just did.

Peace out, Livejournal.

Oh yeah...and a new journal is comming. A new one for me. I have had this one since High School, I do believe. Or somewhere back then. Be expecting a link sometime soon on it when I get it set up.

Oh yeah oh yeah...Greta: ILY. D: Don't think that I hate you because "you're not a good friend". You are, so shut up. I'll kick you. In the face. Kay? Just a warning. No more of that. You're my heterosexual lifepartner for a reason. That's because you don't suck. I don't have suck H.S.L.Ps. Ever. 8D

Woo. 101 degree temperature. I am a winner winner chicken dinner.

Does this mean I am sick? D:

I mean, the only ugh I am feeling is I am coughing up some mucus (I guess Sinuses?) and my body feels like a 2ton lady just sat on me. That and I am FREEZING.

I hardly ever get sick...last time was in 06...Christmas I believe. Anyone know what this could be?

In other news, I am watching Repo! tonight with Steve and Greta. Huzzah!

You know, I've been depressed/pissed/lonely ever since I got home today around 6. Ate dinner in silence while Justin geeked out about shit. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I holed myself in my room, door shut.

What brings me out of my horrible, PMS mood?

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENKINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

....I can't stop smiling. Dear God.

I'm so utterly lost. Everything. Yes.

Ever since Chicago I have had this feeling of disconnection. Feeling like I am out of place. Not in a horrible, Emo way of "Oh, no one *knows* me". Just....like a Circle with some Triangles. Odd. I don't know what started it. I don't know how I start feeling it or how to make it go away. All I know is that it is a horrible feeling. No one wants to be the odd man out. Unless, ya know...you do.

I am also feeling rather un-needed. Nothing in particular, just....there. Like, I had a discussion with Steve the other night. And we were joking about shit. And I said: You know you need me as much as I need you. And quite seriously, he said "No, I think you need me more than I need you". It shouldn't have worried me as much as it did. Are people really not needing me like they used to? I hate that. I want to be needed. Alot. Like, not entirely dependant on me, but I want to feel as though I have a purpose here. People needing me is the best I can come up with at this point in time. I'm also slowly losing my Heterosexual life partner. Sure, we hang out. We laugh, we joke, we yell, we make a rucus, we do stuff. But....she is slowly becomming more obsessed with her own issues. Believe me, I know what it is like to become obsessed with something. I'm the ultimate fangirl...but this. I can't compete with what is going through her head. No matter what I say it doesn't mean a damn. She'll still do things her way. She'll still hurt herself. She'll still get sick. She'll still obsess. It's like there is no room for me anymore. No room for Lisa nonsense. No room for Lisa Logic. It's all about messing herself up. Why can't she see how utterly beautiful she already is? Why can't she listen to my fucking voice when I say I worry? Why can't she look at my jealous stare when I look at her. Wishing I looked like her. Wishing I had what she has. Wishing I could be more like her. Bah, it's like it doesn't matter anymore. She either cares about what her head (who lies, BTW) tells her or what Steve says. I'm trying to scream, but I'm on the other side of the glass.

And it hurts that Steve says he doesn't need me as much anymore. This is comming from the guy who Lived with me, who I buy food and cigs for ALL the time, who I cancel my plans to be with when he gets suicidal depressed. Who rants and raves to me over shit I have nothing to do with. He used to say Ditto when I said I love him, but now....nuh uh. He just laughs at me. I guess I am OK with that, but when did things change on me? When did Lisa not really matter much? I hate to sound like I should be the center of everyone's world, but when you get used to something for so long, when it's gone, it kind of blindsides you. I had come to expect it. I had come to just...accept it. And now? I don't even know what is going on most of the time. I just kind of exist. Just go with the ebb and flow of everyone else's lives.

And it doesn't help that I am still utterly in Love with Steve. At all. It doesn't help that I want to get out there and date other people. Try and find a little slice of happiness for myself. But whenever word slips out (and it ALWAYS does; Steve knows me too well) that I have a hot date, Steve gets depressed or mad at me very obviously. And I feel terribly guilty. To the point that I cancel said hot date to be with Steve. I dropped everything for him. I did, and I still do. What do I get out of it? Nothing, really. His happiness I guess. But what about mine? I deserve love just like everyone else. I deserve a slice of happy fucking pie too. I want that stupid fairy tale, vampire loves human, mushy gushy love. Alot of it. All over my face. But I can't when I am so up on Steve still. And I want it to stop, but I don't think it can. I don't think it will. It hurts.

I look at David and Jessica. I look at what I could have had if I wasn't so damn Lisa. I don't think of it as "Jessica stole David away". At all. I don't any grudge or hatred on that. I just feel....like if I would have been a wee bit different ...that maybe things could have different. If I would have been in that happy relationship. If I had someone I could wake up next to. It's not David himself I am jealous over per se....it's the whole meaning behind it. It's that fact that David said he didn't want an exclusive relationship to me, but ended up in one with one of my best friends. It gets to me still. But I digress, past is past, but it doesn't make the healing any less easy.

I don't want to change who I am. I don't want to lose weight to "look better". I don't want to change my dress code. I don't want to change my sense of humor. I don't want to be anyone but Lisa. But...I have a feeling that Lisa doesn't make a bit difference anymore.